Bonus Review As Promised

Hey there, Shawn again with like my fourth update in 12 hours. Just can't seem to tear myself away from this thing. Anyway the pattern with these bonus reviews definitely seems to be straight to DVD horror movie sequels, as this will be third one of them reviewed. However this time it's like a special edition bonus review because for the first time ever, I will be writing this review at the same time that I am watching the movie. LET'S GET FUCKIN' NUTS! Also I'm willing to bet that this review will probably be longer than even my February preview.

Bonus Review #14 - Lake Placid 2

Again, who in the hell ever thought this movie was worthy of making is beyond me, but let's see what they have in store for us. Granted the first movie did have an ending that leaves it open for a sequel but that doesn't mean someone had to accept the challenge.

Ok the opening scene certainly doesn't get us off to a good start. It looks like it was filmed on a $10 camera and I'm pretty sure one of the actors is reading his lines off his own fucking hand. It's honestly some of the worst acting I've ever heard. Now he's in the water with this arm bitten off (it really does happen that suddenly too) and his friend doesn't seem to give a shit. He really looks only midly interested in the situation. Oh and now he's dead. End opening scene.

HOLY SHIT IT'S JONATHAN KENT FROM SMALLVILLE! Even he's better than this material. Seriously how could anyone be offered this movie and figure sure , why the fuck not? I don't care how badly you want that new car, no paycheck is worth this shit. I never thought I would actually recognize someone in this thing. Hey the main guy likes a girl that he's too scared to talk to. You know I don't think I've ever seen that plotline in a single movie ever in my life.

The dialogue and acting are actually painful. Why do we even need that shit in this movie? Why can't the crocodile just kill people for 80 fucking minutes? And why is the movie trying to hide the fact that the reason people are dying is an crocodile?! It's on the fucking cover! I can understand if the monster is supposed to be a mystery but come on. Granted this movie was probably working with a budget of 7.50 and maybe a handful of M&M's so they probably can't afford to ....TITS!!!!!...show the monster too often.

Why do straight to DVD movies feel it neccessary (I admit it, I have no fucking cluse how to spell that word) to tie their movie into the first one? There's not a single person.....TITS!!!!!.....on the planet who is a die hard fan of the first movie in pretty much any STDVD case so why does it matter?

You must be really desperate to break into the movie biz if you're run around topless in fucking Lake Placid 2. You would have more dignity in one of those Girls Gone Wild video. You would have more dignity if you were caught on camera drunk in a park in the middle of the day, naked and cursing at children, then punching a nun and urinating on a baby. ....what an odd sentence.

Wow what a shock, the girl the main guy likes is dating an over the top asshole. Do guys like this really get action in real life? Do girls actually go for this type or is it just a movie myth? Girls always say they can't find a nice guy and yet every nice guy is single. Hmmmm. This is less a review now and just my random thoughts on the world. The movie still sucks by the way. Still haven't seen the crocodile and all the deaths are lame and don't show any gore.

oooooo something may be about to happen! YES! Our first glimpse at the Atari 2600 crocodile. Who must have used a lasso to get that guy into the water based on how he fell in. Had we actually been shown footage of a giant crocodile wielding a lasso to get a guy off a dock, well this would be the best movie ever created.

I wonder if the people who made this movie, and those who make movies like it, are actually proud of their work. I know a lot of these DVDs do have commentaries with the filmmakers praising it but do they actually believe it? I mean how could you watch this, nod and go "hell yea this turned out AWESOME!" I say all this know but the second I make Snakes on a Plane 2 : Snakes.....But Just in the Jungle, I'm gonna proud as shit.

Hey it's Chandler's boss! So this is where out of work TV actors go to die apparently....ok like 20 minutes have gone by since that last sentence and nothing has really happened. Atari Croc has eaten a couple people and it's all just....TITS!!!!!....terrible.

This movie did just have two of the great lines/delivery ever in the history of movies. Line One delivered by the tough guy = "Don't start something you can't finish. It'll be your darkest hour." Within the same sentence he goes from being standard bully to some sort of dark wizard. Line Two delivered by the girl in the calmest voice ever "Don't look. There's a giant crocodile behind you." She said it so monotone, as if there were a puddle behind him or something.

Ok really, this review is already way too fucking long and I think there's still a half hour to go in this piece of shit. I'll just come back at the end and sum it up/rate it. I'm really sorry to have put you through you all of this up until this point, but at least it gave me something to do instead of pay full attention to this terrible movie.

Alright it's finished. It was pretty awful. Not even fun awful either, just painful and desperate for it to be over awful. Horrible acting, dialogue, characters, plot, effects, even the nudity was blah. At least it made me laugh a couple of times at it's horribleness and I know to never write a review while watching a movie ever again.

*/5