2008 Movie #110 - The Foot Fist Way
I remember months ago hearing the hype behind this movie and really wanting to see it. Of course I don't think it played in theatres anyway so I had to wait for the DVD. As time went on I started to hear that maybe, just maybe, the hype wasn't all that cracked up to be. The reviews weren't all that great and most people seemed to agree it was a very average movie. Turns out they were right and I really am not sure where all that hype came from in the first place.
Actually that's not true, it came from Will Ferrel and Adam Mckay. I can see why now, this is basically one of their own movies only with a different cast in the roles and a very, very low budget. The problem is that this would be one of their weaker movies, think somewhere in the vein of Semi-Pro.
The movie does have a few funny moments here and there but sadly those moments are pretty scattered. The cast does just fine and I'm overall a fan of lead actor Danny McBride who was awesome in Tropic Thunder and Pineapple Express, the movie itself just isn't as funny as I was hoping. I went into it with a fair amount of hype anyway so I'm sure that didn't help.
Also for an 80-something minute movie, it felt like it dragged on. When your movie runs just over an hour but feels like it borders on 2, you may have yourself a problem. The middle part of the movie seems to be especially drag. It's the opening that has the funniest moments I would say. So if anything, watch maybe the first 15 minutes and then switch it over to something else.
**/5
Monday, September 29, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Shawn's College Review
2008 Movie #109 - College
I really like Jack Black. I find him funny almost all the time and personally love anything related to Tenacious D. I will watch just about anything the man does and if not enjoy it, enjoy him in it. Overall I'm mostly glad the man exists. What the hell does any of this have to do with College? Well because the existence of Jack Black unfortunatly goes hand in hand with the existance of something dreadful...the poor man's Jack Black.
I think you know exactly what I'm talking about. The role made for a Jack Black type character, but not filled by the man himself. Instead we get some piss poor imposter who clearly has been given the instructions "do it like Jack Black would do it". College has one of the worst examples of this I have ever seen.
When the fuck is this character going to stop?! He was never funny to begin with but we can't fucking get away from them now. He says things that are supposed to be hilarious (usually involving meeting a girl and screaming "LET'S SEE THOSE TITTIES" or something fucking ridiculous like that, in fact no most of the time it's exactly that) and we just roll our eyes and hope somehow the movie takes a bizarre twist that involves him getting a spike rammed into his chest. How does this character even have friends? How on earth are people able to stand being with this guy? In fact how does he even survive in life. His parents and everyone around him should have just abandoned him in a field by this point.
I can say without a doubt that this character in this movie is one of the worst things I've dealt with in a movie this year, and I've put up with some pretty inexcusable shit this year. It makes it that much worse that the movie seems to think we should really care about this guy and tries to get us to root for him. Frankly I felt not enough bad things could possibly happen to him during the movie's running time. Granted none of the other characters around him are much better but they don't even come close to comparing to this pile of shit.
It would maybe maybe help if they had this character in a funny movie, but nope we can't even get that lucky. The movie is not funny at all, I believe I smiled once. Also what the hell is with Verne Troyer showing up as himself in movies lately? You can add this one to the ever growing pile of why even bother movies.
*/5
I really like Jack Black. I find him funny almost all the time and personally love anything related to Tenacious D. I will watch just about anything the man does and if not enjoy it, enjoy him in it. Overall I'm mostly glad the man exists. What the hell does any of this have to do with College? Well because the existence of Jack Black unfortunatly goes hand in hand with the existance of something dreadful...the poor man's Jack Black.
I think you know exactly what I'm talking about. The role made for a Jack Black type character, but not filled by the man himself. Instead we get some piss poor imposter who clearly has been given the instructions "do it like Jack Black would do it". College has one of the worst examples of this I have ever seen.
When the fuck is this character going to stop?! He was never funny to begin with but we can't fucking get away from them now. He says things that are supposed to be hilarious (usually involving meeting a girl and screaming "LET'S SEE THOSE TITTIES" or something fucking ridiculous like that, in fact no most of the time it's exactly that) and we just roll our eyes and hope somehow the movie takes a bizarre twist that involves him getting a spike rammed into his chest. How does this character even have friends? How on earth are people able to stand being with this guy? In fact how does he even survive in life. His parents and everyone around him should have just abandoned him in a field by this point.
I can say without a doubt that this character in this movie is one of the worst things I've dealt with in a movie this year, and I've put up with some pretty inexcusable shit this year. It makes it that much worse that the movie seems to think we should really care about this guy and tries to get us to root for him. Frankly I felt not enough bad things could possibly happen to him during the movie's running time. Granted none of the other characters around him are much better but they don't even come close to comparing to this pile of shit.
It would maybe maybe help if they had this character in a funny movie, but nope we can't even get that lucky. The movie is not funny at all, I believe I smiled once. Also what the hell is with Verne Troyer showing up as himself in movies lately? You can add this one to the ever growing pile of why even bother movies.
*/5
Friday, September 12, 2008
Shawn's Righteous Kill Review
2008 Movie #108 - Righteous Kill
It's almost impossible to start this review (or any review for this movie by the looks of things) without mentioning of course the long overdue team up between DeNiro and Pacino. We were given a glimmer by the one scene in Heat and ever since just about damn near every man, woman, child, animal, alien, lifeform in the galaxy wanted more. Well we finally have the movie starring the two of them and after all this time...this is really all we get?
This thing should have been just epic. These two should have starred in the mother of all motherfucking awesome movies. This should have gone back to both of their glory days. The days of Goodfellas, Casino, Scarface, Godfather...those kinds of movies. Instead this one is more in line with both actors recent work, including classics such as Hide and Seek, Simone, 88 Minutes, Showtime, and the list sadly goes on and on.
The storyline isn't bad, but it's not too investing either. You've seen it before, something I've said in just about every damn review I've written in the last two weeks. It also takes some turns that you will most likely have seen coming maybe 4 seconds into the movie. It also seemed eerily long for a movie that actually only runs like 90 minutes. I remember being blown away how early it was when we walked out of the theatre. I was sure we had been in there for at least a half hour longer, not a feeling you want your movie to give people.
I'll admit this movie wasn't quite the intense train wreck I had built it up to be in my mind, but that's only because of the strength of the actors. Not just the main two, but the supporting characters all do well with what they have too. If it wasn't for this cast it would be an average run of the mill thriller with nothing memorable about it.
Because of this, I really don't understand what it was about this movie that attracted this level of talent to it. It certainly couldn't have been the script, with it's subpar story and cliched dialogue, which also features a lot of very unfunny one-liners, that may have been improvised but god I hope not. I have to assume the actors involved (especially our leads) were offered just assloads of money for this because it's really the only rational explanation I can think of. Then again...Hide and Seek and 88 Minutes.
As it is, the movie is watchable and decent for the most part, but you can't help but always think how much better it should have been. The first (and sadly probably the last) huge team up between two of the best actors ever should have been great. This is all we get though, and the sooner we deal with that, the sooner we can move onto the awesomeness that will be motherfucking Lakeview Terrace.
** 1/2 / 5 (maybe a little generous but it gets points for beating expecations and hey, it still had Deniro and Pacino)
It's almost impossible to start this review (or any review for this movie by the looks of things) without mentioning of course the long overdue team up between DeNiro and Pacino. We were given a glimmer by the one scene in Heat and ever since just about damn near every man, woman, child, animal, alien, lifeform in the galaxy wanted more. Well we finally have the movie starring the two of them and after all this time...this is really all we get?
This thing should have been just epic. These two should have starred in the mother of all motherfucking awesome movies. This should have gone back to both of their glory days. The days of Goodfellas, Casino, Scarface, Godfather...those kinds of movies. Instead this one is more in line with both actors recent work, including classics such as Hide and Seek, Simone, 88 Minutes, Showtime, and the list sadly goes on and on.
The storyline isn't bad, but it's not too investing either. You've seen it before, something I've said in just about every damn review I've written in the last two weeks. It also takes some turns that you will most likely have seen coming maybe 4 seconds into the movie. It also seemed eerily long for a movie that actually only runs like 90 minutes. I remember being blown away how early it was when we walked out of the theatre. I was sure we had been in there for at least a half hour longer, not a feeling you want your movie to give people.
I'll admit this movie wasn't quite the intense train wreck I had built it up to be in my mind, but that's only because of the strength of the actors. Not just the main two, but the supporting characters all do well with what they have too. If it wasn't for this cast it would be an average run of the mill thriller with nothing memorable about it.
Because of this, I really don't understand what it was about this movie that attracted this level of talent to it. It certainly couldn't have been the script, with it's subpar story and cliched dialogue, which also features a lot of very unfunny one-liners, that may have been improvised but god I hope not. I have to assume the actors involved (especially our leads) were offered just assloads of money for this because it's really the only rational explanation I can think of. Then again...Hide and Seek and 88 Minutes.
As it is, the movie is watchable and decent for the most part, but you can't help but always think how much better it should have been. The first (and sadly probably the last) huge team up between two of the best actors ever should have been great. This is all we get though, and the sooner we deal with that, the sooner we can move onto the awesomeness that will be motherfucking Lakeview Terrace.
** 1/2 / 5 (maybe a little generous but it gets points for beating expecations and hey, it still had Deniro and Pacino)
Shawn's Burn After Reading Review
2008 Movie #107 - Burn After Reading
This is a movie that wasn't really on my radar until I saw the red band trailer for it. That made me laugh and so this one became a movie I wanted to see. No Country for Old Men would be a near impossible act for the Coen brothers to follow and I would say they went about this the right way. Comparing the two movies can't be done because they literally could not be more different. While Country was an intense drama/thriller/awesome, this one is an off the wall, slightly dark but ultimately pretty silly comedy.
About 20 minutes into this one I was a little worried. Nothing too funny had happened yet and I wasn't sure what the fuss was about. It was kind of slow and disjointed and I just wasn't into it. However as soon as Brad Pitt's character finds the disc with the CIA information on it, this thing really really picks up and never stops from there.
Now I'm sure there's a whole lot of subtext and all sorts of crazy beneath the surface shit going on in this movie that I would never be able to identify so I'll leave that up to the die hard fans and simply say that I enjoyed this movie. It made me laugh frequently, had some interesting characters and didn't really make much of an attempt at a story, which I think was the point overall. It also has one of the best ending scenes I've seen in a movie possibly ever.
This movie definitely isn't for everyone although we had a pretty diverse crowd at the theatre tonight and most everyone seemed to enjoy themselves so who knows. I would recommend this one though. Like I said once the first 20 minutes or so went by I really enjoyed myself. It's short, funny and will divide people, but I give it the approval.
*** 1/2 / 5
This is a movie that wasn't really on my radar until I saw the red band trailer for it. That made me laugh and so this one became a movie I wanted to see. No Country for Old Men would be a near impossible act for the Coen brothers to follow and I would say they went about this the right way. Comparing the two movies can't be done because they literally could not be more different. While Country was an intense drama/thriller/awesome, this one is an off the wall, slightly dark but ultimately pretty silly comedy.
About 20 minutes into this one I was a little worried. Nothing too funny had happened yet and I wasn't sure what the fuss was about. It was kind of slow and disjointed and I just wasn't into it. However as soon as Brad Pitt's character finds the disc with the CIA information on it, this thing really really picks up and never stops from there.
Now I'm sure there's a whole lot of subtext and all sorts of crazy beneath the surface shit going on in this movie that I would never be able to identify so I'll leave that up to the die hard fans and simply say that I enjoyed this movie. It made me laugh frequently, had some interesting characters and didn't really make much of an attempt at a story, which I think was the point overall. It also has one of the best ending scenes I've seen in a movie possibly ever.
This movie definitely isn't for everyone although we had a pretty diverse crowd at the theatre tonight and most everyone seemed to enjoy themselves so who knows. I would recommend this one though. Like I said once the first 20 minutes or so went by I really enjoyed myself. It's short, funny and will divide people, but I give it the approval.
*** 1/2 / 5
Shawn's Deception Review
2008 Movie #106 - Deception
So the new Metallica CD is actually surprisingly kick ass. I have it playing right now and I must say, I am very impressed. In fact I've picked up a few cds lately I've really enjoyed such as this one, Slipknot and Disturbed. I guess I must be having such a good luck streak with music because I've been having such a god awful fucking streak with movies that this one just adds to.
I think this one officially means I've seen all the April movies finally. I held off on watching this one forever because I knew I wasn't going to enjoy it at all and those are always the hardest movies to sit down and watch. I didn't flat out hate the movie but I have to throw into the familiar pile of movies that really have no right existing.
The plot is basic with predictable twists and turns (I mean hell we already know there has to be plenty of these since the fucker is called "Deception") and everything plays out pretty much exactly as you would expect it to with no surprises along the way. The problem is that this movie seems to think all of it's twists will smash your brain into shit. They really do look like they believe these are huge revelations the audience would never see coming, which would be true only if the audience was being exposed to the concept of motion pictures for the very first time.
There are some quality actors attached to this one and they all for the most part do a good job but I can't help but wonder what they all saw in this movie? I mean Hugh Jackman is even credited as a producer so he really had a hand in this thing. Have they just never seen a thriller movie before in their lives? That's the only way they could have possibly thought they were doing anything even slightly original here.
To go back to the plot for a second, as a whole it really doesn't make much fucking sense. In that sense it really reminded of that movie Derailed which was terrible and the last movie on earth you want something to remind you of. The only thing that should remind you of that movie is jamming nails into your eyes. The whole first part of the movie with the sex club really doesn't make much sense with the overall plan once it's revealed so I guess it's there just to make the movie somewhat interesting. Then when the plan is revealed you can't help but think "is that it?" Why did so many people feel this was a story that needed to be told?
Another in a string of why bother movies, you've seen it before, you'll see it again, only that time I thankfully won't HAVE to see it. This movie gets an extra .5 because Michelle Williams, Natasha Henstridge and Maggie Q were all looking fiiiiiine.
* 1/2 / 5
So the new Metallica CD is actually surprisingly kick ass. I have it playing right now and I must say, I am very impressed. In fact I've picked up a few cds lately I've really enjoyed such as this one, Slipknot and Disturbed. I guess I must be having such a good luck streak with music because I've been having such a god awful fucking streak with movies that this one just adds to.
I think this one officially means I've seen all the April movies finally. I held off on watching this one forever because I knew I wasn't going to enjoy it at all and those are always the hardest movies to sit down and watch. I didn't flat out hate the movie but I have to throw into the familiar pile of movies that really have no right existing.
The plot is basic with predictable twists and turns (I mean hell we already know there has to be plenty of these since the fucker is called "Deception") and everything plays out pretty much exactly as you would expect it to with no surprises along the way. The problem is that this movie seems to think all of it's twists will smash your brain into shit. They really do look like they believe these are huge revelations the audience would never see coming, which would be true only if the audience was being exposed to the concept of motion pictures for the very first time.
There are some quality actors attached to this one and they all for the most part do a good job but I can't help but wonder what they all saw in this movie? I mean Hugh Jackman is even credited as a producer so he really had a hand in this thing. Have they just never seen a thriller movie before in their lives? That's the only way they could have possibly thought they were doing anything even slightly original here.
To go back to the plot for a second, as a whole it really doesn't make much fucking sense. In that sense it really reminded of that movie Derailed which was terrible and the last movie on earth you want something to remind you of. The only thing that should remind you of that movie is jamming nails into your eyes. The whole first part of the movie with the sex club really doesn't make much sense with the overall plan once it's revealed so I guess it's there just to make the movie somewhat interesting. Then when the plan is revealed you can't help but think "is that it?" Why did so many people feel this was a story that needed to be told?
Another in a string of why bother movies, you've seen it before, you'll see it again, only that time I thankfully won't HAVE to see it. This movie gets an extra .5 because Michelle Williams, Natasha Henstridge and Maggie Q were all looking fiiiiiine.
* 1/2 / 5
Shawn's Bangkok Dangerous Review
2008 Movie #105 - Bangkok Dangerous
Seriously I am way overdue for a good movie here. I'm not even sure what the last good one I watched was. I could easily check but I'm a busy man damn it.
Like I said at the last of my Longshots review, this is another movie whose purpose I just don't understand. If you're going to make another one of these "hitman with a list of rules starts breaking them and getting attached to people he shouldn't be, as a result his employers try to kill him" movies, you better damn sure do something with it that has never been done before. Bangkok Dangerous doesn't even slightly try to do something different with the tired formula.
The movie is actually a little boring. You know what's going to happen so watching it all happen is not even a little interesting. There is some action but it's all pretty blah, especially considering some of the movies we've gotten to see in recent months. This one is simply dull and just plods along going through the motions, which all goes back to the question of just what the hell is the point.
Nicholas Cage is a little bit of a sad story. Some of his movies are just awesome, like Face Off and The Rock and Con Air and Adaptation and Leaving Las Vegas, and more. He could do drama, he could do comedy, he could do action, he was the fucking man. Then what happened? Things like Ghost Rider, Next, The Wicker Man, National Treasure 1 and 2, that's what happened. The choices he makes are just baffling these days. I still have some hope for him but it dies more and more with each passing day.
The title of this movie has to be one of the worst since this year's How She Move. I assume the title means that he is in Bangkok and it is dangerous there? There wasn't anything better than that? I know it's a remake but that just means the original had a terrible title too. I thought at first maybe his nickname was Bangkok and that he was dangerous? That wouldn't have helped, either way it's a terrible fucking title. At least it would have been ok had at some point in the movie Cage had said "Looks like things are about to get dangerous...Bangkok dangerous". That with a look directly into the camera and this thing would have been an instant five stars. Unfortunatly that never happened so all I can give it is...
* 1/5 / 5
Seriously I am way overdue for a good movie here. I'm not even sure what the last good one I watched was. I could easily check but I'm a busy man damn it.
Like I said at the last of my Longshots review, this is another movie whose purpose I just don't understand. If you're going to make another one of these "hitman with a list of rules starts breaking them and getting attached to people he shouldn't be, as a result his employers try to kill him" movies, you better damn sure do something with it that has never been done before. Bangkok Dangerous doesn't even slightly try to do something different with the tired formula.
The movie is actually a little boring. You know what's going to happen so watching it all happen is not even a little interesting. There is some action but it's all pretty blah, especially considering some of the movies we've gotten to see in recent months. This one is simply dull and just plods along going through the motions, which all goes back to the question of just what the hell is the point.
Nicholas Cage is a little bit of a sad story. Some of his movies are just awesome, like Face Off and The Rock and Con Air and Adaptation and Leaving Las Vegas, and more. He could do drama, he could do comedy, he could do action, he was the fucking man. Then what happened? Things like Ghost Rider, Next, The Wicker Man, National Treasure 1 and 2, that's what happened. The choices he makes are just baffling these days. I still have some hope for him but it dies more and more with each passing day.
The title of this movie has to be one of the worst since this year's How She Move. I assume the title means that he is in Bangkok and it is dangerous there? There wasn't anything better than that? I know it's a remake but that just means the original had a terrible title too. I thought at first maybe his nickname was Bangkok and that he was dangerous? That wouldn't have helped, either way it's a terrible fucking title. At least it would have been ok had at some point in the movie Cage had said "Looks like things are about to get dangerous...Bangkok dangerous". That with a look directly into the camera and this thing would have been an instant five stars. Unfortunatly that never happened so all I can give it is...
* 1/5 / 5
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Shawn's The Longshots Review
2008 Movie #104 - The Longshots
So there was a bit of a scare earlier this week where it looked like it might be the end of my quest to see every movie. My computer had broken and I just don't have the money to get a new one. As a result, I also certainly don't have the money to pay to watch every single movie in a theatre, let alone the time or mental strength to do it either. Without my computer I wouldn't be able to pull it off, and I won't lie it was pretty damn heartbreaking. Thankfully everything has hopefully worked out and things seem to up and running again. Hopefully that doesn't change but in the meantime I'll continue to review all of the movies I do see. So that was my little prelude, which may end up being longer than the actual review.
I watched this one right after Clone Wars but hadn't written the review yet, mostly due to the computer scare and not seeing the point at the time. Also there really wasn't a whole lot of motivation to talk about this one.
I'm actually mostly a supporter of the inspirational sports movie sub genre. There's a whole slew of them I highly enjoyed, like Remember the Titans, Friday Night Lights, even Miracle was pretty good and a few others that don't really come to mind right now. Either way I don't mind one of these movies every now and then, so long as they're done well. The Longshots isn't really done well. It's of course generic, as are all of these movies, but it's just so painfully generic that it blends right in with the worst of these kinds of movies.
That's about the best summary I can give about this one, it's absurdly generic. Sports movies are supposed to make you feel good and get you invested in the characters and their stories. This one doesn't do that. I was never interested in what was going on so there was nothing else to do but watch the predictable events unfold. At least they managed to get things wrapped up in just under an hour and a half so you don't have to deal with it for very long before it goes away.
Also why in the hell is Fred Durst directing this? This isn't the kind of movie he should be directing. The first movie directed by Durst is not a family football movie. The first movie directed by Durst should be about fucking vampires eating werewolves and then zombies attacking them having sex with ghosts and all sorts of crazy horror shit like that. Why the hell happened there?
And why doesn't Ice Cube get to make good movies anymore? Remember Three Kings? That was the best and he was really good in it too. Look what we get now though? Are We There yet?, Are We Done Yet (probably one of the worst movies I've ever seen), First Sunday, and this one? I don't get it.
Chalk this one up as another in the long line of "why even bother" movies. Fitting that the next movie I'm going to review can also be added to this ever expanding group of movies too.
* 1/2 / 5
So there was a bit of a scare earlier this week where it looked like it might be the end of my quest to see every movie. My computer had broken and I just don't have the money to get a new one. As a result, I also certainly don't have the money to pay to watch every single movie in a theatre, let alone the time or mental strength to do it either. Without my computer I wouldn't be able to pull it off, and I won't lie it was pretty damn heartbreaking. Thankfully everything has hopefully worked out and things seem to up and running again. Hopefully that doesn't change but in the meantime I'll continue to review all of the movies I do see. So that was my little prelude, which may end up being longer than the actual review.
I watched this one right after Clone Wars but hadn't written the review yet, mostly due to the computer scare and not seeing the point at the time. Also there really wasn't a whole lot of motivation to talk about this one.
I'm actually mostly a supporter of the inspirational sports movie sub genre. There's a whole slew of them I highly enjoyed, like Remember the Titans, Friday Night Lights, even Miracle was pretty good and a few others that don't really come to mind right now. Either way I don't mind one of these movies every now and then, so long as they're done well. The Longshots isn't really done well. It's of course generic, as are all of these movies, but it's just so painfully generic that it blends right in with the worst of these kinds of movies.
That's about the best summary I can give about this one, it's absurdly generic. Sports movies are supposed to make you feel good and get you invested in the characters and their stories. This one doesn't do that. I was never interested in what was going on so there was nothing else to do but watch the predictable events unfold. At least they managed to get things wrapped up in just under an hour and a half so you don't have to deal with it for very long before it goes away.
Also why in the hell is Fred Durst directing this? This isn't the kind of movie he should be directing. The first movie directed by Durst is not a family football movie. The first movie directed by Durst should be about fucking vampires eating werewolves and then zombies attacking them having sex with ghosts and all sorts of crazy horror shit like that. Why the hell happened there?
And why doesn't Ice Cube get to make good movies anymore? Remember Three Kings? That was the best and he was really good in it too. Look what we get now though? Are We There yet?, Are We Done Yet (probably one of the worst movies I've ever seen), First Sunday, and this one? I don't get it.
Chalk this one up as another in the long line of "why even bother" movies. Fitting that the next movie I'm going to review can also be added to this ever expanding group of movies too.
* 1/2 / 5
Friday, September 5, 2008
Shawn's Star Wars: Clone Wars Review
2008 Movie #103 - Star Wars: Clone Wars
I didn't even realize until now how stupid it is to have the word "wars" show up twice in a four word title. Say that outloud, it sounds retarded. It makes sense though because the whole movie is just as stupid as that title.
I'll go on record now and say that while I definitely am a fan of the original trilogy, I'm not a die hard Star Wars fan in any form. I don't like a single entry in the new trilogy. I found each of them to be frankly dull and a pale imitation of the original movies. Looking back at them now, they seem like wonderful memories compared to this beast.
You know you're in for trouble right away when after the familiar "a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away" message, it's not followed by the scrolling text. Instead we get this baffling voice over that kicks in. It's very jarring and you're almost shocked that it has happened. You wonder how on earth they could make a decision that fucking stupid. You will be wondering that same thought for the movie's entire running time.
Why was this movie made? It's that simple, why the fuck was this movie ever released? Even the Star Wars fans didn't want to see this one. This movie is a complete middle finger to anyone who enjoyed any of the other Star Wars movies. The prequels started to venture a little more into child territory (Phantom Menace especially) but this one just takes things way too fucking far. There is virtually nothing in this movie for adults to enjoy.
The film makes many attempts at humour and each one of them fails and fails spectacularily. When the running joke has a character calling Anakin "Skyguy" and another calling Jabba the Hutt's son Stinky, you know you're in for a shitstorm. Even for a kids movie this one is painfully unfunny. At points it's just borderline embarrassing.
The storyline is so stupid you can't really believe that's all there is to it. The entire movie is basically Anakin and his annoying sidekick trying to get Jabba's son back for him in order to entail safe passage through his territory or something. Meanwhile Count Dooku has convinced Jabba the Jedi are actually the enemy and are holding the son hostage. That's pretty much it. The whole movie focuses on a little Jabba named Stinky. It's amazing this was made into a movie at all, let alone with the Star Wars brand in it's title.
The voice acting is nothing short of terrible. The main girl is just beyond irritating and the person doing Anakin's voice is almost as bad as Hayden was in the live action versions. Obi Wan just sounds pompous and you will be sick of listening to him talk halfway through his first sentence, if not even sooner. Then there is Jabba's cousin or brother or whatever who as far as I can tell is a transvestite alien version of Truman Capote. That character has to be one of the most bizarre creations I've seen in a while. Don't take that as a good thing though. I mostly mean bizarre as in "what the fuck were they ever thinking with this?"
The animation is decent, with some of the battle scenes actually looking pretty good. The character models however are bland and stiff and are boring to look at. Overall that straight to DVD Little Mermaid sequel had better looking animation than this, which is not good when you're Star Wars and known for great looking cinema.
I'm aware it's supposed to be the lead-in for a TV show in the fall which will have similar animation, therefore the animation level won't be terribly high. That just begs the question though, why even bother putting this piece of shit in theatres? Why not just make it the 2 hour premiere of the show and save people the trouble? Especially the people who have to watch every movie that comes out this year. Were you even thinking about those poor souls?
It's almost amazing to watch this movie and take in all the stupid decisions and overall poor quality on display. Fucking Space Chimps was better than this. This one gets one of the lowest reviews I've given out in quite some time. Aside from Disaster Movie, which I could still write a shit ton more about.
.5 / 5
I didn't even realize until now how stupid it is to have the word "wars" show up twice in a four word title. Say that outloud, it sounds retarded. It makes sense though because the whole movie is just as stupid as that title.
I'll go on record now and say that while I definitely am a fan of the original trilogy, I'm not a die hard Star Wars fan in any form. I don't like a single entry in the new trilogy. I found each of them to be frankly dull and a pale imitation of the original movies. Looking back at them now, they seem like wonderful memories compared to this beast.
You know you're in for trouble right away when after the familiar "a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away" message, it's not followed by the scrolling text. Instead we get this baffling voice over that kicks in. It's very jarring and you're almost shocked that it has happened. You wonder how on earth they could make a decision that fucking stupid. You will be wondering that same thought for the movie's entire running time.
Why was this movie made? It's that simple, why the fuck was this movie ever released? Even the Star Wars fans didn't want to see this one. This movie is a complete middle finger to anyone who enjoyed any of the other Star Wars movies. The prequels started to venture a little more into child territory (Phantom Menace especially) but this one just takes things way too fucking far. There is virtually nothing in this movie for adults to enjoy.
The film makes many attempts at humour and each one of them fails and fails spectacularily. When the running joke has a character calling Anakin "Skyguy" and another calling Jabba the Hutt's son Stinky, you know you're in for a shitstorm. Even for a kids movie this one is painfully unfunny. At points it's just borderline embarrassing.
The storyline is so stupid you can't really believe that's all there is to it. The entire movie is basically Anakin and his annoying sidekick trying to get Jabba's son back for him in order to entail safe passage through his territory or something. Meanwhile Count Dooku has convinced Jabba the Jedi are actually the enemy and are holding the son hostage. That's pretty much it. The whole movie focuses on a little Jabba named Stinky. It's amazing this was made into a movie at all, let alone with the Star Wars brand in it's title.
The voice acting is nothing short of terrible. The main girl is just beyond irritating and the person doing Anakin's voice is almost as bad as Hayden was in the live action versions. Obi Wan just sounds pompous and you will be sick of listening to him talk halfway through his first sentence, if not even sooner. Then there is Jabba's cousin or brother or whatever who as far as I can tell is a transvestite alien version of Truman Capote. That character has to be one of the most bizarre creations I've seen in a while. Don't take that as a good thing though. I mostly mean bizarre as in "what the fuck were they ever thinking with this?"
The animation is decent, with some of the battle scenes actually looking pretty good. The character models however are bland and stiff and are boring to look at. Overall that straight to DVD Little Mermaid sequel had better looking animation than this, which is not good when you're Star Wars and known for great looking cinema.
I'm aware it's supposed to be the lead-in for a TV show in the fall which will have similar animation, therefore the animation level won't be terribly high. That just begs the question though, why even bother putting this piece of shit in theatres? Why not just make it the 2 hour premiere of the show and save people the trouble? Especially the people who have to watch every movie that comes out this year. Were you even thinking about those poor souls?
It's almost amazing to watch this movie and take in all the stupid decisions and overall poor quality on display. Fucking Space Chimps was better than this. This one gets one of the lowest reviews I've given out in quite some time. Aside from Disaster Movie, which I could still write a shit ton more about.
.5 / 5
Shawn's Babylon AD Review
2008 Movie #102 - Babylon AD
Damn I'm starting to fall into that old trap again. I was in such a good habit of writing the reviews as soon as I watched the movie. Now I'm back to writing it days later. Not that I'm sure anyone was dying to know my opinion on this one.
The last week of August has to be one of the worst weeks for movies this whole year which is saying a whole hell of a lot. I mean this one, Disaster Movie, College?! There isn't even a decent movie in the bunch, except for maybe Traitor but we'll have to see about that one.
I've seen the trailer for this movie at least 10 times since it was playing before every single movie I watched for a while there. The trailer actually made it look pretty decent and I've always been a secret Vin Diesel supporter, although I guess the secret is out now. I was hoping for good things from this one. Then about a week before it was released all the word started to get out. The horrible reviews, the fact that even the director was saying not to bother and that the film was crap, the 0% on rottentomatoes.com...things weren't looking too good for this one. Sure enough, it all makes sense after seeing the movie.
The main problem is that the movie is just a fucking mess. The whole thing feels disjointed and it really just doesn't make a lick of sense. There are characters and subplots introduced that go nowhere, a ton of things that are never explained and it really seems like there are whole parts missing. The end of the movie doesn't help matters much because nothing is wrapped up by that point and it leaves you feeling a little angry. I did hear there are about 15 minutes cut out of the movie which would probably help the storyline and everything make more sense. However even if the story made more sense, the movie still wouldn't be good.
The storyline is pretty basic and nothing you haven't seen before. It felt like a very weak version of Children of Men. It's your standard sci-fi elements that have been done before and it really gives the movie a "why even bother" feel.
This could maybe be forgiven if the action sequences were good, which sadly they are not. Not at all. Some of them suffer from the quick cut bullshit where you can't tell what the fuck is going on. You just sit there wondering if you're watching Vin Diesel punching a guy in a cage or a donkey drinking a carton of milk in a field. The shit cuts around so much it's really impossible to tell. There is a shootout in the streets near the end that is at least adequate, but the final action scene of a boring car chase really leaves things on such a downtrodden note. How could they choose this as the big finale set piece? It's nothing better than what you might see on a TV cop show. For a movie of this budget, you just expect a lot better in this department.
It's been a while since I've seen a Vin Diesel but was he always this bad? I seem to remember him being at least decent but wow is he ever terrible in this movie. Unless maybe he just doesn't give a shit, and let's face it why should he? No wonder he's gone crawling back to the Fast and the Furious franchise.
I'm sure this movie will have an Unrated DVD release and it will almost be tempting to check out, since not only was a lot cut, but it was knocked down from an R rating to a PG-13. We all know how much I hate that shit. I really don't think there's anything that can be done to save this movie though. It's a mess and it will always be doomed to stay that way. Don't bother with this one.
*/5
Damn I'm starting to fall into that old trap again. I was in such a good habit of writing the reviews as soon as I watched the movie. Now I'm back to writing it days later. Not that I'm sure anyone was dying to know my opinion on this one.
The last week of August has to be one of the worst weeks for movies this whole year which is saying a whole hell of a lot. I mean this one, Disaster Movie, College?! There isn't even a decent movie in the bunch, except for maybe Traitor but we'll have to see about that one.
I've seen the trailer for this movie at least 10 times since it was playing before every single movie I watched for a while there. The trailer actually made it look pretty decent and I've always been a secret Vin Diesel supporter, although I guess the secret is out now. I was hoping for good things from this one. Then about a week before it was released all the word started to get out. The horrible reviews, the fact that even the director was saying not to bother and that the film was crap, the 0% on rottentomatoes.com...things weren't looking too good for this one. Sure enough, it all makes sense after seeing the movie.
The main problem is that the movie is just a fucking mess. The whole thing feels disjointed and it really just doesn't make a lick of sense. There are characters and subplots introduced that go nowhere, a ton of things that are never explained and it really seems like there are whole parts missing. The end of the movie doesn't help matters much because nothing is wrapped up by that point and it leaves you feeling a little angry. I did hear there are about 15 minutes cut out of the movie which would probably help the storyline and everything make more sense. However even if the story made more sense, the movie still wouldn't be good.
The storyline is pretty basic and nothing you haven't seen before. It felt like a very weak version of Children of Men. It's your standard sci-fi elements that have been done before and it really gives the movie a "why even bother" feel.
This could maybe be forgiven if the action sequences were good, which sadly they are not. Not at all. Some of them suffer from the quick cut bullshit where you can't tell what the fuck is going on. You just sit there wondering if you're watching Vin Diesel punching a guy in a cage or a donkey drinking a carton of milk in a field. The shit cuts around so much it's really impossible to tell. There is a shootout in the streets near the end that is at least adequate, but the final action scene of a boring car chase really leaves things on such a downtrodden note. How could they choose this as the big finale set piece? It's nothing better than what you might see on a TV cop show. For a movie of this budget, you just expect a lot better in this department.
It's been a while since I've seen a Vin Diesel but was he always this bad? I seem to remember him being at least decent but wow is he ever terrible in this movie. Unless maybe he just doesn't give a shit, and let's face it why should he? No wonder he's gone crawling back to the Fast and the Furious franchise.
I'm sure this movie will have an Unrated DVD release and it will almost be tempting to check out, since not only was a lot cut, but it was knocked down from an R rating to a PG-13. We all know how much I hate that shit. I really don't think there's anything that can be done to save this movie though. It's a mess and it will always be doomed to stay that way. Don't bother with this one.
*/5
Monday, September 1, 2008
Shawn's Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning Review
2008 Movie # 101 - Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning
This was actually my first venture into the world of direct to DVD Disney sequels. I'd read reviews and heard opinions and they all sounded like they were complete crap so I figured why bother. After watching this one it looks like I was right, I haven't been missing out on a whole hell of a lot.
I really like the first Little Mermaid I'm just gonna come right out and fucking say it. I grew up with that shit and I still hold a soft spot for it even to this day. I never saw it's sequel, but this one here is a prequel, which just about never works. The storyline is a little interesting, but is not a story that really demanded to be told. It makes the movie come off as feeling a little pointless since it doesn't really expand on anything or tell us anything we didn't already know. It's neat to see how some characters met and a bit of the origin story, but I think a lot more could have been done with the whole prequel angle here.
The animation is actually surprisingly good and way better than I expected for this type of release. Then again it's Disney and I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. It definitely looks a whole shitload better than Space Chimps I'll tell you that right now.
The one area where this movie really misses the mark though is with the songs. The songs are one of the most important aspects to making a successful Disney movie and this one doesn't hold up at all. I just finished watching the movie barely an hour ago and I couldn't for the life of me tell you how a single one of the new songs went. They are instantly forgettable. There is a version of that Shake Shake song that shows up a few times but they didn't write that song so I can't give any credit.
The voice acting is good and it's cool that original voices made their return to the roles. The voice of Yakko showed up at one point and you certainly can't argue about that. The humour is very kid oriented of course, though there are a couple of smiles here and there.
Overall I didn't hate the movie. The story wasn't bad and it was short and went by quickly enough. Some aspects of the origin were interesting, but the songs are boring and most of the humour is meh. Kids may like it, but I can't recommend it to adults. I give it a two because it does its job well enough and provides some good animation, as well as what looks like more effort than I'm sure a lot of these types of movies receive.
**/5
This was actually my first venture into the world of direct to DVD Disney sequels. I'd read reviews and heard opinions and they all sounded like they were complete crap so I figured why bother. After watching this one it looks like I was right, I haven't been missing out on a whole hell of a lot.
I really like the first Little Mermaid I'm just gonna come right out and fucking say it. I grew up with that shit and I still hold a soft spot for it even to this day. I never saw it's sequel, but this one here is a prequel, which just about never works. The storyline is a little interesting, but is not a story that really demanded to be told. It makes the movie come off as feeling a little pointless since it doesn't really expand on anything or tell us anything we didn't already know. It's neat to see how some characters met and a bit of the origin story, but I think a lot more could have been done with the whole prequel angle here.
The animation is actually surprisingly good and way better than I expected for this type of release. Then again it's Disney and I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. It definitely looks a whole shitload better than Space Chimps I'll tell you that right now.
The one area where this movie really misses the mark though is with the songs. The songs are one of the most important aspects to making a successful Disney movie and this one doesn't hold up at all. I just finished watching the movie barely an hour ago and I couldn't for the life of me tell you how a single one of the new songs went. They are instantly forgettable. There is a version of that Shake Shake song that shows up a few times but they didn't write that song so I can't give any credit.
The voice acting is good and it's cool that original voices made their return to the roles. The voice of Yakko showed up at one point and you certainly can't argue about that. The humour is very kid oriented of course, though there are a couple of smiles here and there.
Overall I didn't hate the movie. The story wasn't bad and it was short and went by quickly enough. Some aspects of the origin were interesting, but the songs are boring and most of the humour is meh. Kids may like it, but I can't recommend it to adults. I give it a two because it does its job well enough and provides some good animation, as well as what looks like more effort than I'm sure a lot of these types of movies receive.
**/5
Shawn's Disaster Movie Review
2008 Movie #100 - Disaster Movie
*fireworks and a marching band fill the stadium* That's right everyone, 100 movies in and the quest is far from over yet. This is a monumental occasion that few people reach and it's something I feel needs to be celebrated. However look at the fucking movie I have to celebrate this with. It's prom and all I could find was the band geek with braces and crazy acne to bring along with me. It's quite something to say Meet the Spartans kicked off the year and here we are 100 movies in, and everything has come full circle and I have to deal with these fuckers once again.
First off, let's hope this could be the last time that I, as well as the rest of the world, have to deal with them because this movie bombed! It only made 6 million on it's opening weekend and it's only going to plummet from there. So give yourselves a round of applause everyone, you've all made me proud and I got to avoid writing my newest rant about this movie doing well. There is some hope it looks like. Although again the fact this movie exists is still pretty sad in itself. Ok enough foreplay, let's get to the fucking!
This movie is an absolute fucking mindblowing travesty of a piece of shit garbage pile. It takes Meet the Spartans and somehow makes it look almost good in comparison! That's right, this thing is WORSE than Meet fucking the fucking Spartans! I was in awe. This is the first time I've seen one of these movies in a theatre and I can't even tell you terrifying the feeling is. I was watching it with two people, one of them left I would say maybe a little under halfway through. I will also admit this is the first time this year I flat out fucking left a movie. It was just about over, I would say I missed 5 minutes but it was 5 minutes I will cherish forever. Once the "I'm Dating Matt Damon" song hit, I was out the door. Oh that's right, they had to change fucking to dating because of the PG-13 rating. The reference in itself isn't funny but the fact they had to censor it to make it even less funny, just wow.
So most of the same problems I had with Spartans carry on into this one, the primary one of course being that this movie doesn't contain any fucking jokes at all!! It once again resorts to showing us shit from other movies. This one has even more references than Spartans. It's just one after another. I'm not even fucking lying about this next part......there is a sequence where Iron Man walks out, states he's Iron Man (good thing because I had no idea that's who I was looking at) and then gets hit by a cow. I think maybe that was a Twister reference, but these assholes are so fucking incompetent that it didn't get across so who really knows. Anyway immediatly after that, Hellboy comes out, and gets hit by a cow. By this point my jaw was on the floor but guess fucking what?! The Hulk then comes out.....and gets hit by a mother.....fucking....cow. It's astonishing to witness. Oh and just for the record, WHITE PEOPLE TALKING LIKE THEY'RE BLACK ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE!!!! FOR FUCK'S SAKE KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF! GOD!
Some of the references don't even make sense, although I think these guys believed they were writing honest to god satire gold. Two seperate jokes just involve the characters saying their name over and over again, with "I am Beowulf" and "I am Mclover" (which by the way that name change is so fucking clever I can't stand it, almost as good as Guru Shitka). Now it's true that those characters said their names in their movies, however they only did it once. Sure it was in all of the trailers, but that's it. However these clueless bastards seem to think the height of parody is having them just repeat these lines as if that's how the movies went. This leads me to believe that they only saw the trailers for these movies too, and they have been out for a year! At least watch the shit you're doing a half assed job of referencing. You actually can't even be described as lazy anymore, it's too much of a compliment. Corpses put more effort into activities than that!
The other thing with the references in this movie is that almost all of them seem to not even be based off of actual movies, but instead off the trailers FOR those movies. Almost everything can be attributed to the trailers, which leads me to believe that while writing the script, they just picked what they assumed would be the huge hits of the summer (clearly wrong about The Love Guru) and recreated the only moments available from them at the time. Jesus christ.
This movie seems to have embraced the old comedy rule of three, in that something is funny at first, and then gets unfunny, but then funny again the more you do it. This is one of the most difficult jokes to pull off and Disaster Movie doesn't even seem to begin to grasp the concept. The joke is terrible at first, and then you start to wonder if maybe it's a mistake that it's gone on so long. The Hannah Montana scene has to be witnessed because it's one of the worst attempts at comedy I've ever seen ever. It lasts almost 3 minutes. The High School Musical scene is just as painful, and they must have thought the song, and especially the fucking chorus, were just a riot because it takes up another 5 minutes of the movie. There are at least 8-10 of these neverending jokes and each one is so fucking insipid I want to bleed from my memory just thinking about it.
I've discussed the references and how terrible they are, but I should mention that yes, all of the references are still explained to you just in case. When Indiana Jones shows up, they say his name. Same goes for Amy Winehouse, Dr. Phil, Jessica Simpson, Hannah Montana, Iron Man, and everything else. This time I almost have a theory as to why. I think they have to tell us the reference because the actors doing the impersonations are so fucking terrible, we may not even know it was a reference otherwise. The Dr. Phil and Jessica Simpson ones are two of the worst I've ever seen. These two must be the easiest fucking people ever to impersonate ever, and they couldn't find 2 people who could do it? Did they have 16 minutes to do all the casting for this movie?
They must have because wow the acting is just terrible in this. Everyone either tries too hard or not hard enough, but not a single person in this movie has an ounce of comedic talent. Kim Kardashian...what the fuck am I missing here? When and why did she become famous again? Grade 3 plays put her acting to shame, hell kindergarden plays, hell fucking womb plays put her to shame. She is just terrible.
I have to give them almost some credit though because the Juno character actually borders on something resembling comedy/satire. Of course they bury this into the fucking ground so it becomes excrutiating within barely 2 minutes. Also they aren't satisfied until they spell out exactly what the parody is. There is also a moment with Alvin and the Chipmunks (yes their names are said too) that kinda borders on a joke. Too bad the things look like god damn sock puppets.
That's another thing, the movie looks like they made it for whatever change Lionsgate had lying around the office floor. The sets are all cheaply made, the effects are laughable and I won't even mention the Kung Fu Panda reference that has a guy in a panda suit spouting dialogue taken straight from the movie. It was in this moment that I knew I was watching the bottom rung of the shit sewer ladder of Hollywood.
I do actually believe know that Aaron and Jason believe they're writing funny movies. Which also means these 2 people are out of their fucking minds and need to be locked away before they hurt someone. Thank god this movie flopped because this could be the end. There were 9 people when I saw it and only one laughed every now and then. This same person however would occasionally leave their seat and run out of the theatre waving their arms, cackling and talking to themselves. So that's the audience for these things huh? Fantastic.
So this review wasn't quite as venemous as the last one but I had time to calm down before this. Plus knowing this one bombed really soothes the rage. In conclusion, it's the worst movie of the year and in the top 5 (maybe 3) worst movies I've ever fucking seen. When this comes out on DVD, go to your nearest store, and just piss all over every copy. You'll be given the key to the city.
fucking negative a billion / 5
*fireworks and a marching band fill the stadium* That's right everyone, 100 movies in and the quest is far from over yet. This is a monumental occasion that few people reach and it's something I feel needs to be celebrated. However look at the fucking movie I have to celebrate this with. It's prom and all I could find was the band geek with braces and crazy acne to bring along with me. It's quite something to say Meet the Spartans kicked off the year and here we are 100 movies in, and everything has come full circle and I have to deal with these fuckers once again.
First off, let's hope this could be the last time that I, as well as the rest of the world, have to deal with them because this movie bombed! It only made 6 million on it's opening weekend and it's only going to plummet from there. So give yourselves a round of applause everyone, you've all made me proud and I got to avoid writing my newest rant about this movie doing well. There is some hope it looks like. Although again the fact this movie exists is still pretty sad in itself. Ok enough foreplay, let's get to the fucking!
This movie is an absolute fucking mindblowing travesty of a piece of shit garbage pile. It takes Meet the Spartans and somehow makes it look almost good in comparison! That's right, this thing is WORSE than Meet fucking the fucking Spartans! I was in awe. This is the first time I've seen one of these movies in a theatre and I can't even tell you terrifying the feeling is. I was watching it with two people, one of them left I would say maybe a little under halfway through. I will also admit this is the first time this year I flat out fucking left a movie. It was just about over, I would say I missed 5 minutes but it was 5 minutes I will cherish forever. Once the "I'm Dating Matt Damon" song hit, I was out the door. Oh that's right, they had to change fucking to dating because of the PG-13 rating. The reference in itself isn't funny but the fact they had to censor it to make it even less funny, just wow.
So most of the same problems I had with Spartans carry on into this one, the primary one of course being that this movie doesn't contain any fucking jokes at all!! It once again resorts to showing us shit from other movies. This one has even more references than Spartans. It's just one after another. I'm not even fucking lying about this next part......there is a sequence where Iron Man walks out, states he's Iron Man (good thing because I had no idea that's who I was looking at) and then gets hit by a cow. I think maybe that was a Twister reference, but these assholes are so fucking incompetent that it didn't get across so who really knows. Anyway immediatly after that, Hellboy comes out, and gets hit by a cow. By this point my jaw was on the floor but guess fucking what?! The Hulk then comes out.....and gets hit by a mother.....fucking....cow. It's astonishing to witness. Oh and just for the record, WHITE PEOPLE TALKING LIKE THEY'RE BLACK ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE!!!! FOR FUCK'S SAKE KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF! GOD!
Some of the references don't even make sense, although I think these guys believed they were writing honest to god satire gold. Two seperate jokes just involve the characters saying their name over and over again, with "I am Beowulf" and "I am Mclover" (which by the way that name change is so fucking clever I can't stand it, almost as good as Guru Shitka). Now it's true that those characters said their names in their movies, however they only did it once. Sure it was in all of the trailers, but that's it. However these clueless bastards seem to think the height of parody is having them just repeat these lines as if that's how the movies went. This leads me to believe that they only saw the trailers for these movies too, and they have been out for a year! At least watch the shit you're doing a half assed job of referencing. You actually can't even be described as lazy anymore, it's too much of a compliment. Corpses put more effort into activities than that!
The other thing with the references in this movie is that almost all of them seem to not even be based off of actual movies, but instead off the trailers FOR those movies. Almost everything can be attributed to the trailers, which leads me to believe that while writing the script, they just picked what they assumed would be the huge hits of the summer (clearly wrong about The Love Guru) and recreated the only moments available from them at the time. Jesus christ.
This movie seems to have embraced the old comedy rule of three, in that something is funny at first, and then gets unfunny, but then funny again the more you do it. This is one of the most difficult jokes to pull off and Disaster Movie doesn't even seem to begin to grasp the concept. The joke is terrible at first, and then you start to wonder if maybe it's a mistake that it's gone on so long. The Hannah Montana scene has to be witnessed because it's one of the worst attempts at comedy I've ever seen ever. It lasts almost 3 minutes. The High School Musical scene is just as painful, and they must have thought the song, and especially the fucking chorus, were just a riot because it takes up another 5 minutes of the movie. There are at least 8-10 of these neverending jokes and each one is so fucking insipid I want to bleed from my memory just thinking about it.
I've discussed the references and how terrible they are, but I should mention that yes, all of the references are still explained to you just in case. When Indiana Jones shows up, they say his name. Same goes for Amy Winehouse, Dr. Phil, Jessica Simpson, Hannah Montana, Iron Man, and everything else. This time I almost have a theory as to why. I think they have to tell us the reference because the actors doing the impersonations are so fucking terrible, we may not even know it was a reference otherwise. The Dr. Phil and Jessica Simpson ones are two of the worst I've ever seen. These two must be the easiest fucking people ever to impersonate ever, and they couldn't find 2 people who could do it? Did they have 16 minutes to do all the casting for this movie?
They must have because wow the acting is just terrible in this. Everyone either tries too hard or not hard enough, but not a single person in this movie has an ounce of comedic talent. Kim Kardashian...what the fuck am I missing here? When and why did she become famous again? Grade 3 plays put her acting to shame, hell kindergarden plays, hell fucking womb plays put her to shame. She is just terrible.
I have to give them almost some credit though because the Juno character actually borders on something resembling comedy/satire. Of course they bury this into the fucking ground so it becomes excrutiating within barely 2 minutes. Also they aren't satisfied until they spell out exactly what the parody is. There is also a moment with Alvin and the Chipmunks (yes their names are said too) that kinda borders on a joke. Too bad the things look like god damn sock puppets.
That's another thing, the movie looks like they made it for whatever change Lionsgate had lying around the office floor. The sets are all cheaply made, the effects are laughable and I won't even mention the Kung Fu Panda reference that has a guy in a panda suit spouting dialogue taken straight from the movie. It was in this moment that I knew I was watching the bottom rung of the shit sewer ladder of Hollywood.
I do actually believe know that Aaron and Jason believe they're writing funny movies. Which also means these 2 people are out of their fucking minds and need to be locked away before they hurt someone. Thank god this movie flopped because this could be the end. There were 9 people when I saw it and only one laughed every now and then. This same person however would occasionally leave their seat and run out of the theatre waving their arms, cackling and talking to themselves. So that's the audience for these things huh? Fantastic.
So this review wasn't quite as venemous as the last one but I had time to calm down before this. Plus knowing this one bombed really soothes the rage. In conclusion, it's the worst movie of the year and in the top 5 (maybe 3) worst movies I've ever fucking seen. When this comes out on DVD, go to your nearest store, and just piss all over every copy. You'll be given the key to the city.
fucking negative a billion / 5
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