Shawn's Disaster Movie Review

2008 Movie #100 - Disaster Movie

*fireworks and a marching band fill the stadium* That's right everyone, 100 movies in and the quest is far from over yet. This is a monumental occasion that few people reach and it's something I feel needs to be celebrated. However look at the fucking movie I have to celebrate this with. It's prom and all I could find was the band geek with braces and crazy acne to bring along with me. It's quite something to say Meet the Spartans kicked off the year and here we are 100 movies in, and everything has come full circle and I have to deal with these fuckers once again.

First off, let's hope this could be the last time that I, as well as the rest of the world, have to deal with them because this movie bombed! It only made 6 million on it's opening weekend and it's only going to plummet from there. So give yourselves a round of applause everyone, you've all made me proud and I got to avoid writing my newest rant about this movie doing well. There is some hope it looks like. Although again the fact this movie exists is still pretty sad in itself. Ok enough foreplay, let's get to the fucking!

This movie is an absolute fucking mindblowing travesty of a piece of shit garbage pile. It takes Meet the Spartans and somehow makes it look almost good in comparison! That's right, this thing is WORSE than Meet fucking the fucking Spartans! I was in awe. This is the first time I've seen one of these movies in a theatre and I can't even tell you terrifying the feeling is. I was watching it with two people, one of them left I would say maybe a little under halfway through. I will also admit this is the first time this year I flat out fucking left a movie. It was just about over, I would say I missed 5 minutes but it was 5 minutes I will cherish forever. Once the "I'm Dating Matt Damon" song hit, I was out the door. Oh that's right, they had to change fucking to dating because of the PG-13 rating. The reference in itself isn't funny but the fact they had to censor it to make it even less funny, just wow.

So most of the same problems I had with Spartans carry on into this one, the primary one of course being that this movie doesn't contain any fucking jokes at all!! It once again resorts to showing us shit from other movies. This one has even more references than Spartans. It's just one after another. I'm not even fucking lying about this next part......there is a sequence where Iron Man walks out, states he's Iron Man (good thing because I had no idea that's who I was looking at) and then gets hit by a cow. I think maybe that was a Twister reference, but these assholes are so fucking incompetent that it didn't get across so who really knows. Anyway immediatly after that, Hellboy comes out, and gets hit by a cow. By this point my jaw was on the floor but guess fucking what?! The Hulk then comes out.....and gets hit by a mother.....fucking....cow. It's astonishing to witness. Oh and just for the record, WHITE PEOPLE TALKING LIKE THEY'RE BLACK ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE!!!! FOR FUCK'S SAKE KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF! GOD!

Some of the references don't even make sense, although I think these guys believed they were writing honest to god satire gold. Two seperate jokes just involve the characters saying their name over and over again, with "I am Beowulf" and "I am Mclover" (which by the way that name change is so fucking clever I can't stand it, almost as good as Guru Shitka). Now it's true that those characters said their names in their movies, however they only did it once. Sure it was in all of the trailers, but that's it. However these clueless bastards seem to think the height of parody is having them just repeat these lines as if that's how the movies went. This leads me to believe that they only saw the trailers for these movies too, and they have been out for a year! At least watch the shit you're doing a half assed job of referencing. You actually can't even be described as lazy anymore, it's too much of a compliment. Corpses put more effort into activities than that!

The other thing with the references in this movie is that almost all of them seem to not even be based off of actual movies, but instead off the trailers FOR those movies. Almost everything can be attributed to the trailers, which leads me to believe that while writing the script, they just picked what they assumed would be the huge hits of the summer (clearly wrong about The Love Guru) and recreated the only moments available from them at the time. Jesus christ.

This movie seems to have embraced the old comedy rule of three, in that something is funny at first, and then gets unfunny, but then funny again the more you do it. This is one of the most difficult jokes to pull off and Disaster Movie doesn't even seem to begin to grasp the concept. The joke is terrible at first, and then you start to wonder if maybe it's a mistake that it's gone on so long. The Hannah Montana scene has to be witnessed because it's one of the worst attempts at comedy I've ever seen ever. It lasts almost 3 minutes. The High School Musical scene is just as painful, and they must have thought the song, and especially the fucking chorus, were just a riot because it takes up another 5 minutes of the movie. There are at least 8-10 of these neverending jokes and each one is so fucking insipid I want to bleed from my memory just thinking about it.

I've discussed the references and how terrible they are, but I should mention that yes, all of the references are still explained to you just in case. When Indiana Jones shows up, they say his name. Same goes for Amy Winehouse, Dr. Phil, Jessica Simpson, Hannah Montana, Iron Man, and everything else. This time I almost have a theory as to why. I think they have to tell us the reference because the actors doing the impersonations are so fucking terrible, we may not even know it was a reference otherwise. The Dr. Phil and Jessica Simpson ones are two of the worst I've ever seen. These two must be the easiest fucking people ever to impersonate ever, and they couldn't find 2 people who could do it? Did they have 16 minutes to do all the casting for this movie?

They must have because wow the acting is just terrible in this. Everyone either tries too hard or not hard enough, but not a single person in this movie has an ounce of comedic talent. Kim Kardashian...what the fuck am I missing here? When and why did she become famous again? Grade 3 plays put her acting to shame, hell kindergarden plays, hell fucking womb plays put her to shame. She is just terrible.

I have to give them almost some credit though because the Juno character actually borders on something resembling comedy/satire. Of course they bury this into the fucking ground so it becomes excrutiating within barely 2 minutes. Also they aren't satisfied until they spell out exactly what the parody is. There is also a moment with Alvin and the Chipmunks (yes their names are said too) that kinda borders on a joke. Too bad the things look like god damn sock puppets.

That's another thing, the movie looks like they made it for whatever change Lionsgate had lying around the office floor. The sets are all cheaply made, the effects are laughable and I won't even mention the Kung Fu Panda reference that has a guy in a panda suit spouting dialogue taken straight from the movie. It was in this moment that I knew I was watching the bottom rung of the shit sewer ladder of Hollywood.

I do actually believe know that Aaron and Jason believe they're writing funny movies. Which also means these 2 people are out of their fucking minds and need to be locked away before they hurt someone. Thank god this movie flopped because this could be the end. There were 9 people when I saw it and only one laughed every now and then. This same person however would occasionally leave their seat and run out of the theatre waving their arms, cackling and talking to themselves. So that's the audience for these things huh? Fantastic.

So this review wasn't quite as venemous as the last one but I had time to calm down before this. Plus knowing this one bombed really soothes the rage. In conclusion, it's the worst movie of the year and in the top 5 (maybe 3) worst movies I've ever fucking seen. When this comes out on DVD, go to your nearest store, and just piss all over every copy. You'll be given the key to the city.

fucking negative a billion / 5