Shawn's In the Name of the King review

Well it's been a really long time since one of us has done a review for an actual official 2008 movie. At least for me it's been a while, Jenny hasn't done a review in ever. IN EVER! I really wish I was returning to the official reviewing world with a better movie, but alas that's not always how the world works.

2008 Review # 4 - In the Name of the King

Anyone who knows who Uwe Boll is essentially has no reason to even read this review. They know the movie is not worth seeing, and that it's sheer existence is nothing short of a miracle. Now I'll admit I got some sort of bizarre kick out of House of the Dead. There's something about a movie that not only splices in random videogame footage, but videogame footage that doesn't even match the location of the scene. Alone in the Dark had a couple so stupid they're funny moments but for the most part was just a really bad movie. Bloodrayne on the other hand was just boring. Needless to say I didn't even bother with the sequel. That brings us to the next movie in this baffling chain, In the Name of the King.

Watching a Uwe Boll movie is sort of like watching a certain performance in your high school talent show. We all remember that one performer/performance who was out there completely embarassing themselves in front of the whole school. At first people would laugh at how ridiculous it is. However after a little bit of time, the laughter stops. It starts to become more and more uncomfortable, watching this person thinking they're doing such a great job crashing and burning in front of everyone. You feel bad for them in a way and just want it all to end for both their, and your own benefit. Then that same person proceeds to come back the next year and do it again. Then again the year after that. And so on it goes. After doing this same performance every year you stop feeling bad for them because by this point, they deserve all the shit coming their way for simply not learning. That's where we are by this movie.

The plot centers around....oh who am I kidding it doesn't matter.

There's pretty much nothing redeemable about this movie, save for the usual scattered moments that are just so fucking stupid you have to laugh. Let's start with the main bad guys of the movie, the Krugs. Anytime the heroes were fighting these things I kept waiting for one of them to yell "Ok guys, IT'S MORPHIN' TIME!" One glimpse of these things and you'll know exactly what I mean.

Now the acting. Jason Statham deserves better than this...and War.....and London....and Revolver. Really Jason Statham gets shafted a lot. The man was in Crank and the Transporter though so in my book he gets at least two more shitty movies before I start to question my allegiance. I remember reading an interview with Ron Perlmen from when he was filming this movie and openly refered to it as a "piece of shit." That automatically gets him off the hook right there.

Remember when Ray Liotta made good movies? Better yet remember when Ray Liotta well....acted? I don't know when he decided "fuck this" and started doing this over the top, grade 9 drama schtick but my god. How could anyone during production of this movie not have taken him aside and just said "Ray, quick performance note, try doing it less like a fucking douchebag and maybe more like an actor *slap*". Matthew Lillard, I don't know if he ever really counted as an actor even before so whatever. His performance sucking isn't much of a surprise. Although he was Shaggy, which gets him some credit.

So we've established the plot is useless, the acting terrible, the special effects piss poor...let's never forget the writing and the directing. The directing we basically covered simply by saying the director's name. He spends the full two hours copying every other epic movie ever filmed, mostly Lord of the Rings.

As for the writing, some of it is simply mind boggling in how anyone could write these lines, look back at it and go "oh my good god yes this is genius!" But the fact is, someone looked at this script and then threw 70 million fucking dollars at it. If that person isn't being peed on right now there is no justice in this world.

In conclusion, fuck this movie. Cloverfield in 4 hours!

0/5