Shawn's Meet the Spartans Review

Well I already wrote a rant about this movie that was longer than any review I've written and I hadn't even seen the damn movie yet. Well now I have and well....let's see what I have to say.

2008 Movie #13- Meet the Spartans

I'll admit that it was an honest fear that somehow, even after writing that enraged rant, I would walk away from this movie pleasantly surprised. I was actually afraid of this, waking up in cold sweats in the middle of the night. After having watched the movie I can say that those fears were groundless because not only was the movie terrible, it was actually more terrible than I ever could have antipated, and I anticipated the shit out of it already.

Now I already covered in the rant the whole aspect that these movies don't really have jokes. They just make references to other movies/shows/basically any reference that will be old in 2 weeks, or in many cases is already old now. There aren't any jokes within the reference, they simply just show you them and move along to the next one.

So the writers already insult your intelligence by piling on 64 minutes (yes thats actually how long it is, barely the length of an episode of TV) of constant, unfunny references to other, more entertaining movies. However, they then proceed to call your intelligence's mom a fat bitch (oh which by the way, the movie does contain a 2-3 minute long sequence of horrible "yo mama" jokes the writers probably got out of a 1960's joke book). See it's not enough to make the reference, they feel it's needed to explain each and every reference just in case you don't get it. Now it's one thing to tell a really bad joke, but then to have the fucking nerve to explain the bad joke to us. What, did you think we didn't get it? We fucking see Ghost Rider you don't have to say his fucking name. How does this not piss anyone else off? The writers think all of you are idiots who need every joke in a movie flat out explained to them. Did they think they were just so fucking clever the rest of the world would never get their marvelous wit and humour? Jesus christ.

....wow. ok...breathe. Anyway let me give you an example of what I'm talking about. There's a scene in the movie that reflects the one in 300 where they speak with the Oracle. In Meet the Spartans, when we first see the oracle's face, it's revealed to be a look alike of Ugly Betty. After her face is shown for a few seconds, the character then proceeds to actually say the words "Ugly Betty?" Ugly Betty then says "Save the cheerleader, save the world." No joke, just the exact quote. See we're supposed to laugh because we know it's from Heroes. Unless you didn't know, but don't worry because Meet the Spartans has you covered. The character then says "I don't really care for Heroes." And it just goes on like this the whole movie! Show another movie/character, tell us what the reference is, lather, rinse, repeat. I'm not even exagerating either. You want more examples? I got examples out the ass.

-One character is refered to having a "venomous reaction" to something, and then is wearing the black spidersuit. after saying that and showing us the spiderman suit for a few seconds, the narrator then says "just like Tobey Maguire in Spiderman 3" Gee, thank you. Now the one person who doesnt know who Spiderman is can rest easy that they too can be on your brilliant jokes.

-A grand theft auto parody features a shot of a "San Andreas" tattoo for at least 5 seconds.

You know what, it's making me too mad listing these. I could seriously bitch about this movie forfuckingever. Let me leave you with one more example of these guys and their "wit". When Britney Spears shows up (for no reason mind you) they spend 2,3 minutes making jokes about how Britney is a tad irresponsable. Wow, good thing we haven't heard those jokes ad nasuem for the last 2 years from every talk show host, DJ, comedian, website, tabloid, random person on the street, etc.

In conclusion, this movie is a fucking abomination made by 2 people that hate you and think you're all fucking idiots. Giving this movie money is the equivalent of paying someone to tell you how fucking dumb you are for just over an hour. Trust me, these guys are laughing their asses off right now that people actually spent 20 million dollars on this thing. A year from now I'm sure their next movie will be out in theatres. I too will be at the theatre, with a billy club waiting to smash the kneecaps of anyone buying a ticket for that show.

Seacrest Out! (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! RANDOM AMERICAN IDOL REFERENCE! GIMME 20 MILLION DOLLARS!)

fucking -10000/5